bySarah?

Marshall

InhonorofOpeningDayonSunday,thesecondoftwopiecestodayonthehistoryofthe?

game。

Frommyextensiveresearch,I’velearnedthatbaseballisasportpeoplewatchsometimes。

IcouldblamemylackofappreciationforAmerica’sgreatestsportonmanyfactors?

—?

myfatherbeingAustralian,andthereforeinterestedonlyincricket;thefactthatwhenIplayedsoftballinschoolIalwaysendedupinrightfield;thefactthatmyentireheartbelongstoPatrickChan?

—?

butI’vedecidedinsteadtoscapegoatthenames,specificallytheirterribledeclineinqualityinrecent?

years。

Havingalreadyfalleninlovewiththenamesandnicknamesofindividualplayers(NoodlesHahn!

ButtsWagner!

CannonballTitcomb!

),Ihadnochoicebuttoconfirmthatteamnameswereoncefargreateraswell。

Towit:theAtlantaBraves,originallybasedinBoston,wereknownvariouslyastheBeaneaters,theDoves,theRustlers,andtheBeesbeforeadoptingtheircurrent,boringname(theyalsolosepointsforracism)。

TheChicagoCubswereoncetheOrphans(whichmightbeabettername,consideringtheirlosingstreak?

—?

see?

Iknowthings!

)。

TheClevelandIndianswereoncetheBluebirds,andbeforethat(inexplicably)theNaps。

TheDodgerswereoncetheBrooklynBridegrooms,andthePittsburghPirateswereoncetheInnocents。

Whatthesenameslackinruggedmasculinitytheymorethanmakeupforin…well,Idon’tknowwhatitis,butit’ssomething。

Acertain“whothehellcares,thissportisstillbecomingasport”quality?

Joiedevivre?

—?

asmuchasjoiedevivrecanbesaidtohaveexistedinPittsburghofahundredyearsago?

SomeotherFrenchphrasepertainingmoredirectlytobaseballnames,butwhichIdon’tknowaboutbecauseIquitFrenchbeforethebaseballunit?

Inanycase,they’vegot?

it。

Andsoherewith,alistofthemoststrange,priceless,unfortunatebaseballteamnamesinthehistoryofthegame?

—?

mostofthematleast75yearsold。

(CategoriesinspiredbyCaityWeaver’s“SometimesStateFlags”wonderfulness。

)Herewe?

go!

Someteamsdon’tbelonginourdirty-mindedworld。



TheSeattleHustlers?

TheButteMiners?

TheColumbiaComers?

TheMilwaukeeCreams

Someteamsaren’ttooconcernedaboutprovingtheirmasculinity。



TheAugustaDollies?

TheLaCrossePinks?

TheHamiltonPrimrose?

TheMiddletownOrangeBlossoms?

ThePortlandRosebuds?

TheTacomaDaisies?

TheNorfolkMaryJanes?

TheCedarRapidsBunnies?

TheTacomaRabbits?

TheClevelandInfants?

TheAlbanyBabies?

TheVictoriaChappies?

TheBaltimoreCanaries?

TheColumbusBlueBirds?

TheOaklandLarks?

ThePhiladelphiaPearls?

TheSpringfieldPonies?

TheMontgomeryLambs

Someteamnamesaredeeplyperplexing。



TheSpokaneBunchgrassers?

TheHartfordWoodenNutmegs?

TheReadingCoalHeavers?

TheFairbury?

Jeffs

Someteamnamesaredeeplyperplexingandvaguelyterrifying。



TheSt。

JosephClayEaters?

TheReginaBone?

Pilers

Someteamnamesareunnecessarilyspecific。



TheAmsterdamCarpetTacks?

TheVancouverHorseDoctors?

ThePatersonSilkWeavers?

TheGrandRapidsFurnitureMakers?

TheMemphisFever?

Germs

Someteamsaretryingjustalittletoo?

hard。



TheGenuineCubanGiants?

TheAtlanticCityBacharachGiants?

TheNashuaMillionaires?

TheChicagoUniques?

TheBaltimoreLordBaltimores?

TheBuffaloBisons?

TheRutland?

Sheiks

Someteamsaren’ttryinghard?

enough。



TheRomeRomans?

TheTroyTrojans?

TheReadingPretzels?

TheAllentownPeanuts?

TheHamiltonHams?

TheMedicineHatHatters?

TheWilsonBugs?

ThePetersburgGoobers

Someteamswantyoutoknowtheywentto?

college。



TheLawrenceBarristers?

TheNashvilleSeraphs?

TheVictoriaLegislators?

TheStratfordPoets?

TheYorkWhiteRoses?

TheLancasterRedRoses?

TheAmsterdam-Gloversville-JohnstownHyphens

Someteamswantyoutoknowthey?

didn’t。



TheAshevilleMoonshiners?

TheMorristownJobbers

Someteamsjustpickedthefirstanimaltheycouldthink?

of。



TheSanFranciscoSeaLions?

TheBaltimoreTerrapins?

TheChicagoWhales?

TheTauntonHerrings?

TheMontpelierGoldfish

Someteamsareonamissionfrom?

God。



TheSaltLakeCityElders?

TheDesMoinesProhibitionists?

TheSt。

Paul?

Apostles

Someteams?

aren’t。



TheSalemWitches?

TheHazletonPugilists?

TheMooseJawRobinHoods?

TheParisParasites

Someteamsjustwantyoutofeelsorryfor?

them。

TheDaytonOldSoldiersTheDavenportOnionWeedersTheKalamazooCeleryPickersTheZanesvilleFloodSufferersTheFallRiverAdoptedSons

Related:HowMuchMoreDoBaseballPlayersMakeToday?

SarahMarshalllivesinPortlandbutwenttocollegeinVermont,andisthereforeafanofboththeRosebudsandthe?